“If we desert the inner self to focus on the energy outside, it leaves a vacancy inside.” Trudy Vesotsky
I spent years totally lost in motherhood, and when I say lost, I mean really fucking lost. Lost in exhaustion. Lost in overwhelm. Lost in a maze of uncertainty, doubt, and struggle.
Why didn’t anyone ever tell me it was so going to be so hard? Why didn’t I know losing myself, become someone’s mother and having my entire identity consumed by it, would be so painful?
I remember laying in bed one night, a newborn fussing in the next room, feeling like I absolutely could not breathe. The weight of it all felt enormous. In that moment, I realized that I would never again be the same, that life would never be the same, that I would never be free again.
Of course I expected to raise a baby, care for him, but I wasn’t prepared for the suffocating idea that never again would I be alone in my heart and my mind. Until I take my last breath, I will use everyone single one in between to love my children. My heart is no longer my own.
Motherhood stretches, twists, and mangles our heart into an unrecognizable, bloody, pulsating fire within our chest. Our heart no longer keeps just us alive. It beats for our children too. It beats for the woman we’ve become, a new woman, a mother now. We are the same and yet will never be the same again.
No one talks about this, at least they didn’t to me. They asked about the baby, “was he sleeping? (no), was I sleeping when did sleep? (also no).” They brought casseroles and more baby clothes than a baby could ever wear, but they didn’t bring the words to explain what was happening inside of me.
My breasts leaked, my healing womb leaked, my heart leaked more. Years pass, babies grow and the rawness of new motherhood hardens over, but the the scar of our emotional opening remains.
Motherhood changes us profoundly from the inside out. We are no longer who we once were, everything is different now, but we haven’t yet figured out who we are now. The daily demands keep us too consumed to go on a spiritual journey of self discovery.
We’re lucky if we have time to shower and get the laundry done before it gets that weird mildew smell (just me?) so the idea of reconnecting with our soul doesn’t even cross our mind. And if it did, ain’t nobody got time for that. So we keep shuffling from one commitment to the next. We make time for fun here and there, family vacations and holiday potlucks but mostly we are living on autopilot.
Life gets busier, the demands on our time and attention grow and slowly, slowly the heat increases. It’s getting hot in here and we start sweating. Instead of slowing down we start cutting. We cut away non-essentials to make more time for all the stuff piling on top of us. We cut out exercise and self care. We cut out tv and books. We cut out church and volleyball league and date night and time with friends.
We systematically dismantle everything about who we are and then wonder why we are up at 40 feeling like a robot. That’s who we’ve become. Walking repositories of the women we used to be.
Oh momma it’s time to remember who you are. It’s time to remember the woman inside who is screaming, screaming her fucking head off trying to get your attention. She.is.pissed. You’ve forget her.
You’ve gone ahead and built a life and instead of bringing her along, you left her behind.
She was with you for so long. She saw you through the tough adolescent years, she grew stronger and more confident as you got older, she was there on every bad date and all the good ones. She held your dreams, kept your secrets, and wiped your tears every step of the way.
She helped you pick out the nursery color and baby names. She was so excited for the future and she dreamed of everything you have now. But you’ve left her behind. You told her there was no time for her in this new life. You told her her wants and needs and desires don’t matter. You’ve pushed her down, away, and out for so long you barely remember she’s still there, waiting for you to bring her back to life.
Who YOU are matters. You are a mother but you were a woman first, and you’ll be a woman long after your kids are grown. You are not the woman you once were, she no longer exists but you are so much more than a mom. When we lose our connection with who we are, a void is created. A gaping hole where our sense of self used to live now remains. We’re vulnerable now. Vulnerable to excessive sadness, loneliness, self doubt, critical thoughts, and negativity. We’re not strong enough to fight off the doubts and fears because our pillar of inner strength has been fractured.
A woman with a strong connection to herself is clear on her value, on her purpose and doesn’t doubt or second guess herself. She makes time for her needs, she says no to that which doesn’t serve her, she doesn’t parent or make decisions out of fear, and she trusts herself above all else.
A women who knows who she is leads a full, happy, life.
Isn’t it time to bring the woman you are back to life? Isn’t it time to reconnect with who you are, so you can be the mom you want to be?
Ready for the next step? Schedule a totally free Momma Mindset Makeover Consultation to figure out how to bring the woman you are inside, back to life.